bringing me back to myself

sometimes it's friends that bring us back to ourselves. here's just a few of the ways i've been humbled by friends this past week:

lunch with Mr. M

last weekend i had lunch in oak park with mr. m. he and i go back to my days at the bowling magazine when i first moved to chicago. while mr. m and i don't talk a lot, he's one of those people who, when we do talk, always brightens my day.

so after many attempts of getting together since i got back to the states, we finally made it happen, his beautiful daughter in tow. as i've ho-hummingly shared in my previous posts, i've been in a serious funk lately, so i came to lunch with mr. m anxious about any conversations surrounding jobs. i just didn't want to talk about it, and i didn't want to seem like a pathetic wet rag to my upbeat friend.

as we were talking, he shared some of the hard stuff he's been going through lately. he then said, "you're one of the most positive, optimistic people i've ever met. i knew seeing you would be good for me right now." whoa. WHAT? in my current state, i felt like the LEAST optimistic or positive person EVER. i didn't even feel like being around myself at the moment, so him saying this meant the world. it's amazing what one person sharing his/her perceptions of us can do to a soul. for me, it gave me hope and made my heart happier than it had been in days.

regurgitated advice of MJ

MJ is a friend i met in spain. she now lives in texas, and we have been each others' rocks through this hard transitionary time. we've been leading oddly parallel lives since we got home. i have no doubt that i couldn't have made it this far without her.

however, MJ is a tricky biscuit. she has this amazing ability to remember every piece of advice i've ever given to her and spit it right back at me right when i need it most. i find this both endearing and annoying. just when i'm starting to enjoy wallowing in my own self pity, she'll say, "well, legel, didn't you tell me once that?" yep. yep i did, MJ. she's really, REALLY taught me that if i'm going to give advice, i need to take the advice i give. noted. 

a talk with my heart-warmer, E

E is a friend from my camp counselor days. like Mr. M, we don't talk all that frequently, but she's one of those people who i know i could call at any time and tell her anything in the whole world, and she'd have my back and then some. well, E and i finally talked tonight for the first time since i don't know when. what i love about E is that she always, no matter what, calms my heart-through her words, through her sharing, and through the mere tone of her voice. she somehow seems to bring me back to myself, and i couldn't be more thankful.

this past week i just had to get away, so i went to madison to spend time with some dear friends. last night P and his band played some songs in the living room, one of which was the song sang at little miss J's baptism. the song has many notable lyrics, none of which i really remember verbatim, but the song speaks to the fact nothing else really matters in life but our friends in family. today i'm thankful as ever for friends who remind me who i am when i can't quite remember. what-oh-what would i do without such dear people in my life? 

blips

contemplating where-
to live
to work
to focus

pondering what-
to do
pondering how-
to do it

wishing i could-
pick myself up
start
stop

superficial rhythm

in the throngs of deep thought and slippery solitude, i distracted myself for a bit and read through some blogs that i more or less follow religiously. one blog, my dear friend's sister, shared the following quote.  *herein the author (me) totally acknowledges stealing this quote.

it's long. but do yourself a favor and read it until the end:

"The secret of a full life is to live and relate to others as if they might not be there tomorrow, as if you might not be there tomorrow. It eliminates the vice of procrastination, the sin of postponement, failed communications, failed communions. This thought has made me more and more attentive to all encounters, meetings, introductions, which might contain the seed of depth that might be carelessly overlooked. This feeling has become a rarity, and rarer every day now that we have reached a hastier and more superficial rhythm, now that we believe we are in touch with a greater amount of people, more people, more countries. This is the illusion which might cheat us of being in touch deeply with the one breathing next to us. The dangerous time when mechanical voices, radios, telephones, take the place of human intimacies, and the concept of being in touch with millions brings a greater and greater poverty in intimacy and human vision."

― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947

first of all, how interesting and, in my opinion, ironic, that this was written in the 40s. that's PRE-internet, PRE-facebooktwittersocialmediacraziness, PRE-iPhone 5.2.2.8. if our intimacy with others was at risk then, i feel like we're complete goners now.

i think this quote resonated with me tonight because it describes what i possibly miss most about spain: a full life where i, on a daily basis, was interacting face to face with humans that i cared about. spainards (and many european cultures for that matter) value relationships with others above everything else (yep. even work. SHOCKING). while in spain, it was customary for me to meet up with friends at 10 PM for a quick drink and an appetizer, just to catch up. many nights i found myself catching the midnight metro home knowing full well that i had to wake up and work in the morning. but you know what? it didn't matter. it didn't matter because work, while important, was secondary to relationships. and it was easy to do there because almost EVERYONE held this same opinion.

here, in the land of red, white, and blue, it's quite different. i feel like friendships are saved for saturdays. mid-week interactions don't go further than my facebook wall. and i find it atrociously isolating and stupid. i've been the scrooge of all things american lately (nothing against my lovely country, i am just finding it hard to adapt back to our crazy culture like WHOA). but damnit all to heck, why can't we be more attentive to each other? why do we run ourselves ragged so that the thought of doing more than shooting a text is daunting and exhausting?

i wonder what ms. nin would think if she were among us today. something tells me she'd take one look at our smart phones and earbuds and our "superficial rhythms" and shake her head. and i can't say i would blame her.

just driving away

there's something beautiful and symbolic about just driving away. the tail-end of last week completely won over this girl. nothing bad happened. or, more significantly, nothing really great happened. in the midst of uncertainty, confusion, etc. (see last blog for the prognosis), little did i know that i just needed to drive away.

a baptism for sweet baby j took me to madison saturday. as much as i wanted to be there, i was in one of my funks and would have rather crawled under my covers for all of eternity (this is an example of what writers call hyperbole!). but, i went. and i'm so glad i did.

the drive alone was therapeutic. music. homemade iced coffee. a-mazing fall leaf displays. bliss.

and then. to be with so many dear friends was so, so soothing for my soul. hugs, an outdoor baptism, live music, sangria...wow. no doctor could have written a better prescription.

i returned home today feeling completely refreshed. i returned feeling hopeful. most importantly, i returned believing in myself more than when i left.

note to self: when in doubt, just drive away. preferably to the arms of dear friends.

coming up...again

i'm baaaaaaack! back to the USA after a year in Spain. back to blogging. yes, it seems i'm back. (what a weird word, "back." looks like the name of a disease if you stare at it long enough).

i've been wanting to start up my blog again for awhile. but, truth be told, things have been kinda craptastic lately, and in the midst of wallowing in my deep pity pool, complete with arm floaties, i just didn't feel like putting thoughts to paper, er, screen.

but then i got an e-mail.

an e-mail from a dear old friend who shared with me a journal entry he had written years ago (pre-"coming up" blog...we're talking my LiveJournal years!) about how something i had written inspired him. *blush. that was all i needed to hop back on my blog horse. giddy up.

because, truth is, i do love writing. and i do love sharing what is on my mind, even if no one cares what is on my mind. and, at this very confusing time in my life, i need to get some of these thoughts out of my brain and into the stratosphere called Elsewhere-Besides-My-Head.

turns out, reverse culture shock is a real and persnickety thing, and i've self-diagnosed myself as having many full-on, raging symptoms. i did a really stellar job of distracting myself when i came back from spain. between going to weddings, driving to san francisco and back, and couch surfing, i really did not come to terms with my homecoming until august. save the gory details, i'm now finding myself serving as a poster-child for "what happens when you try to reintegrate yourself into your native culture after trying really hard for an entire year to integrate yourself into another culture."

the results? confusion. rootlessness. isolation. uncertainty.

as thankful as i am for my year in spain, i truly feel like it completely messed up my life (both in the best and worst of ways). how do i reintegrate back into my culture/career/relationships as a very different person? how do i function in a culture that tells me i have to have a career, make money, and be successful when i just lived in a culture that told me that LIVING life was of utmost importance?

answers? anyone?

so, right now, i'm taking life day by day. hour by hour. poco a poco.

yes. i'm back. but, then again, i'm really not.

my friend, laura. soon to be your friend, too.

meet my friend, laura. laura is, hands down, one of the most a-mazing people/friends i've ever met. we met in the most random of ways. a high school friend set me up on a blind date with a college guy the summer after my senior year. my english student teacher knew said date. student teacher was friends with laura. i won't bore you with the how and the why, but laura and i became instant friends. she came into my life during a very dark time. she's probably the reason i'm here and happy today.

anyways. i could drone on and on about her, but why am i blogging about her? besides the fact that she's paying me (HA!), she just started a new blog that i have fallen in love with. i want you all, dear readers, to check it out too. she's a motivator. she's an athlete. she's a saint.

read it HERE!

reversed roles

last wednesday i made the trip to my hometown of waverly, ia. when going home, i have two options of routes: the short(er), boring, straight route or the longer, curvy, beautiful route. with nothing on my schedule, i chose the latter route.

i haven't been home in seven months, my longest absence ever. it's always fun to see what's changed in my hometown, in my parents' neighborhood, and in my parents' house. the one thing that's really struck me on this trip is how much my parents have changed over time. my dad is skinnier (much to his weight-obsessed delight) and seemingly shorter. quite simply, he's not getting younger. my mom's had health issues for years, but this trip home has really made me realize her condition. i've seen her have two of her mini seizures in the couple days i've been home. my dad's told me about them-seeing them has made them real.

it's scary when roles start to reverse. when you realize that you're the one that is the healthy one, the one that will soon have to be the caretaker. as my cousin and i were discussing today, it's a role we'll gladly take on, but it's still hard.

as i get ready to go on this trip across the ocean, i can't help but worry about my parents. i also can't help feeling a little guilty for leaving. but i guess now is the time. i'm not getting younger, and they aren't either.