not enough tapes, not enough memory

death isn't a secret; we all know that it's the final destination for each person. but when you know it's coming soon, you take it more seriously. you stand up straight, look it in the eyes, and tremble.

when you know she'll be gone soon, you study her face like your grad school textbooks, engraining each line in your memory so that you never forget the contours of her face. you hang onto everything she says praying you'll remember each morpheme, each word, and each story that escapes her mouth. you even secretly hide a voice recorder in your purse to preserve your last conversations forever.

but then the old, trusty recorder breaks, and you realize that there's not enough tapes to capture what you want: for her voice to ring in your head forever. so you listen harder, trying to remember. you repeat her words in your head over and over, but then you find yourself forgetting them just as soon as the words are spoken; like your mind won't let you hang on to the particulars.

and so you just focus on how you feel with her. and you know that's a feeling you'll never forget.