what i would blog about, if i were to write a blog

i'm still here.

since my last post, many blogs have flowed through my head. blogs about the funny man at the gym and new year's resolutions and things i've learned.

but sometimes, there are bigger things than blogs going on in life. since my grandma got sick and died, all in the span of six weeks, sharing my random musings seems insignificant to all that's on my heart.

because, to be honest, if i were to share what i was really thinking about, i wouldn't write about the aforementioned subjects; i would talk about things that people get tired of hearing about: about how my heart aches; about how i've reached for the phone three times to call my grandma, only to realize i can't; about how when people ask me how my christmas was, i want to be honest and say it was horrible rather than giving a passive, "great. and you?"; about how i pray she will give me a sign that she made it okay, at the same time praying she doesn't, as it would probably freak me out; about how i went to her house at night, laid in her bed, and cried, selfishly upset that she left me; about how numbness can be confused for strength.

i'm sure i'll return to my random musings, in time. but for now, my thoughts are consumed by un-bloggable feelings.