i'll take ya to the candy shop

if a running brain could cause weight loss, i'd be a skinny as an olsen twin. i am, by nature, an annoyingly contemplative person, but this fall/winter has been especially contemplative. i feel as though i have lists of questions streaming through my brain, and i have another stream of possible answers, but i can't for the life of me match the answers to the questions. throw a birthday, the holidays, and the death of a friend in the mix, and the questions and contemplation multiply.

i struggle a lot with the pressure i put on myself to live a full life. my recent analogy is feeling like i'm in a candy store, and i look around and see hundreds of great options (for me, these are in the form of places to live and places to travel). i'm so overwhelmed by the options that i just freeze and fear that i'll end up walking out of the store having bought nothing (i.e. ending up being 90 and having done nothing in fear of doing the wrong something).

it's a struggle for me to understand what's most important in life: planting roots and fostering face-to-face relationships with people who know and love you or traveling and experiencing the world. while i've proven to myself that face-to-face relationships can be made and fostered across the world, there is something to be said for fostering the relationships that have formed you (i.e. family, long-time friends, etc). and i struggle to find a happy medium.

there are so many things i don't know, and i feel as though i can't even articulate how i feel right now. but what i do know is that we get one life. one. and i know i won't be young forever. and i also know that i'll hate myself if i wake up at 95 having regrets. i have a feeling that a 95 year-old version of myself should not be trifled with.

so my brain continues to run. mile after mile after bloody mile. but i take solace knowing that i will figure it out. i will. i must. 

*insert appropriate title here (disclaimer: tired and emotional)

to have a successful blog, one is supposed to blog frequently. if one doesn't, people lose interest, and they stop checking back. thankfully, i don't blog for others. i blog to process. and if others read, well, that's just humbling.

truth is, there has been nothing that i have wanted to share about recently. these last few months have been rough, and i didn't exactly feel like documenting about my inability to get out of bed some days. while i know i've gone through the last couple months for a reason, yada yada yada, it hasn't been a time worth sharing with anyone else.

and i don't know that i have much more to share tonight. but i needed to write.

tonight i attended the wedding of a dear high school friend. it was a much more emotional night than i had anticipated. first, i was ushered in by boys i once babysat. they're grown men now, yet i feel as though i have not grown up at all. spooky. then i saw my friend's grandma enter without her husband by her side. he had passed on since i'd last been home. they were a commonplace duo during the time that i've known my friend and her twin, and it made me so sad to see her without him.

but what was most emotional for me was to have a grave realization as to how much our friendship has changed since it began in fifth grade. to go from inseparable for most of our lives to not even knowing the man she was marrying. it broke my heart.

i know friendships naturally change. it's part of life. but sometimes i mourn the loss of friendships as seriously as a death. some people leave an empty hollow in your heart that no time or person can fill. there are things i wish i would have said. there are thousands of things i wish i could say. but i didn't. and i don't.

leaving the reception hall tonight, i thought of all that's changed over the years. i'm not a person who believes in regrets. i'm not. but sometimes i wonder what life would be like if some aspects of my life were different. would things be better? worse? it's impossible to know. so i'll just keep trying to trudge forward, one breath, one footstep, one heartbeat at a time. and when i get to the other side, i hope my regrets are few.

run

lots of downtime=and insane amount of self-reflection. 

i've reflected so much that i put most mirrors to shame. i'm still left with so many questions though. 

a trip to the therapist today only created more questions, but in a good way. she knows me well enough to know that when i find the answer, i'll run with it. 

i'm ready to run. 

my life as an amateur yogi

last saturday, my friend M and i went to a yoga studio in oak park to take advantage of their "one week free" promotion. i like free things, so i was all game. this studio only does "hot" yoga. classes range anywhere from 90-105 degrees. it's...hot. well, i loved the class so much, that i've gone for the past three days by my own volition. i love it. not only do i leave feeling calm, but i'm so damn sweaty that i feel like i really accomplished something (which is saying a lot these days). let me share with you some observations/experiences as an amateur yogi:

-it turns out that yogis don't wear running shorts, running shirts (i sported my Shamrock Shuffle 5K! shirt), or cotton shirts that show sweat. having worn all of these items over the past three days, i'm slowly learning how to fit in as a yogi.

-another thing yogis don't do? bring beach towels to lay down on top of mats. i wanted to bring SOMETHING to put down over my mat, as i had just given it a good washing after power washing it with my sweat the past few days. however, my brightly colored beach towel, complete with palm trees and beach umbrellas, didn't really fit in. additionally, it honestly distracted me. i couldn't balance all night.

-however. the not-being-able-to-balance well thing may have been a result of the fact that tonight's class was conducted by candlelight. good lord. i thought it'd be all spiritual and meditative. instead i found i couldn't focus my eyes and did all i could just to stand up straight. light rocks.

-i have determined my DREAM JOB is to make yoga session playlists. each class i've gone to has had a stellar line-up. many of the songs were some of my favs, which kinda tells me i seek out calm, meditative tunes. i also find it kind of distracting when songs like the lumineers' "ho hey" come on. it's hard to tap your toes in tree pose.

-tonight, the instructor said, "next, we will do sha na ho ne ka hashim (ok. i made that up. something yogi-ish). sit-ups." being told to do sit-ups in another language makes them sound so much more exciting and much less painful.

-many yogis have often wondered, "i wonder what the WORST meal you could eat before doing yoga is." well, look no further. about an hour and a half before i went to yoga tonight, i had homemade pizza, salad, beer, and trader joe jo-jo cookies. turns out, sweating and contorting is not fun when you have blue moon and frosting rolling around in your belly.

-some yogis like to breathe REALLY loudly. tonight i was by a man who had all sorts of grunts, yawns, and even a few farts. i felt as though i was listening to someone having sex or sleeping.

while i'm a long ways from complete zen, i'm enjoying all these new lessons. i'm working really hard to be more curious in my life, and this has been a great first step.

namaste, ya'll.

outsider's heart

"I think, at the end of the day, I have an outsider's heart. You always hope that you're going to find that place where you belong — you know, you follow the map or the playbook that everyone in the world seems to have, or understand, and you will arrive at the place where things make sense. And I think ... that's a little naive, and that you have to build that place yourself. And that's a lonely thing to realize, but also an exciting one."-Tift Merritt

amen, sister. 

listen to the whole interview HERE.

bringing me back to myself

sometimes it's friends that bring us back to ourselves. here's just a few of the ways i've been humbled by friends this past week:

lunch with Mr. M

last weekend i had lunch in oak park with mr. m. he and i go back to my days at the bowling magazine when i first moved to chicago. while mr. m and i don't talk a lot, he's one of those people who, when we do talk, always brightens my day.

so after many attempts of getting together since i got back to the states, we finally made it happen, his beautiful daughter in tow. as i've ho-hummingly shared in my previous posts, i've been in a serious funk lately, so i came to lunch with mr. m anxious about any conversations surrounding jobs. i just didn't want to talk about it, and i didn't want to seem like a pathetic wet rag to my upbeat friend.

as we were talking, he shared some of the hard stuff he's been going through lately. he then said, "you're one of the most positive, optimistic people i've ever met. i knew seeing you would be good for me right now." whoa. WHAT? in my current state, i felt like the LEAST optimistic or positive person EVER. i didn't even feel like being around myself at the moment, so him saying this meant the world. it's amazing what one person sharing his/her perceptions of us can do to a soul. for me, it gave me hope and made my heart happier than it had been in days.

regurgitated advice of MJ

MJ is a friend i met in spain. she now lives in texas, and we have been each others' rocks through this hard transitionary time. we've been leading oddly parallel lives since we got home. i have no doubt that i couldn't have made it this far without her.

however, MJ is a tricky biscuit. she has this amazing ability to remember every piece of advice i've ever given to her and spit it right back at me right when i need it most. i find this both endearing and annoying. just when i'm starting to enjoy wallowing in my own self pity, she'll say, "well, legel, didn't you tell me once that?" yep. yep i did, MJ. she's really, REALLY taught me that if i'm going to give advice, i need to take the advice i give. noted. 

a talk with my heart-warmer, E

E is a friend from my camp counselor days. like Mr. M, we don't talk all that frequently, but she's one of those people who i know i could call at any time and tell her anything in the whole world, and she'd have my back and then some. well, E and i finally talked tonight for the first time since i don't know when. what i love about E is that she always, no matter what, calms my heart-through her words, through her sharing, and through the mere tone of her voice. she somehow seems to bring me back to myself, and i couldn't be more thankful.

this past week i just had to get away, so i went to madison to spend time with some dear friends. last night P and his band played some songs in the living room, one of which was the song sang at little miss J's baptism. the song has many notable lyrics, none of which i really remember verbatim, but the song speaks to the fact nothing else really matters in life but our friends in family. today i'm thankful as ever for friends who remind me who i am when i can't quite remember. what-oh-what would i do without such dear people in my life? 

blips

contemplating where-
to live
to work
to focus

pondering what-
to do
pondering how-
to do it

wishing i could-
pick myself up
start
stop

superficial rhythm

in the throngs of deep thought and slippery solitude, i distracted myself for a bit and read through some blogs that i more or less follow religiously. one blog, my dear friend's sister, shared the following quote.  *herein the author (me) totally acknowledges stealing this quote.

it's long. but do yourself a favor and read it until the end:

"The secret of a full life is to live and relate to others as if they might not be there tomorrow, as if you might not be there tomorrow. It eliminates the vice of procrastination, the sin of postponement, failed communications, failed communions. This thought has made me more and more attentive to all encounters, meetings, introductions, which might contain the seed of depth that might be carelessly overlooked. This feeling has become a rarity, and rarer every day now that we have reached a hastier and more superficial rhythm, now that we believe we are in touch with a greater amount of people, more people, more countries. This is the illusion which might cheat us of being in touch deeply with the one breathing next to us. The dangerous time when mechanical voices, radios, telephones, take the place of human intimacies, and the concept of being in touch with millions brings a greater and greater poverty in intimacy and human vision."

― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947

first of all, how interesting and, in my opinion, ironic, that this was written in the 40s. that's PRE-internet, PRE-facebooktwittersocialmediacraziness, PRE-iPhone 5.2.2.8. if our intimacy with others was at risk then, i feel like we're complete goners now.

i think this quote resonated with me tonight because it describes what i possibly miss most about spain: a full life where i, on a daily basis, was interacting face to face with humans that i cared about. spainards (and many european cultures for that matter) value relationships with others above everything else (yep. even work. SHOCKING). while in spain, it was customary for me to meet up with friends at 10 PM for a quick drink and an appetizer, just to catch up. many nights i found myself catching the midnight metro home knowing full well that i had to wake up and work in the morning. but you know what? it didn't matter. it didn't matter because work, while important, was secondary to relationships. and it was easy to do there because almost EVERYONE held this same opinion.

here, in the land of red, white, and blue, it's quite different. i feel like friendships are saved for saturdays. mid-week interactions don't go further than my facebook wall. and i find it atrociously isolating and stupid. i've been the scrooge of all things american lately (nothing against my lovely country, i am just finding it hard to adapt back to our crazy culture like WHOA). but damnit all to heck, why can't we be more attentive to each other? why do we run ourselves ragged so that the thought of doing more than shooting a text is daunting and exhausting?

i wonder what ms. nin would think if she were among us today. something tells me she'd take one look at our smart phones and earbuds and our "superficial rhythms" and shake her head. and i can't say i would blame her.

just driving away

there's something beautiful and symbolic about just driving away. the tail-end of last week completely won over this girl. nothing bad happened. or, more significantly, nothing really great happened. in the midst of uncertainty, confusion, etc. (see last blog for the prognosis), little did i know that i just needed to drive away.

a baptism for sweet baby j took me to madison saturday. as much as i wanted to be there, i was in one of my funks and would have rather crawled under my covers for all of eternity (this is an example of what writers call hyperbole!). but, i went. and i'm so glad i did.

the drive alone was therapeutic. music. homemade iced coffee. a-mazing fall leaf displays. bliss.

and then. to be with so many dear friends was so, so soothing for my soul. hugs, an outdoor baptism, live music, sangria...wow. no doctor could have written a better prescription.

i returned home today feeling completely refreshed. i returned feeling hopeful. most importantly, i returned believing in myself more than when i left.

note to self: when in doubt, just drive away. preferably to the arms of dear friends.

coming up...again

i'm baaaaaaack! back to the USA after a year in Spain. back to blogging. yes, it seems i'm back. (what a weird word, "back." looks like the name of a disease if you stare at it long enough).

i've been wanting to start up my blog again for awhile. but, truth be told, things have been kinda craptastic lately, and in the midst of wallowing in my deep pity pool, complete with arm floaties, i just didn't feel like putting thoughts to paper, er, screen.

but then i got an e-mail.

an e-mail from a dear old friend who shared with me a journal entry he had written years ago (pre-"coming up" blog...we're talking my LiveJournal years!) about how something i had written inspired him. *blush. that was all i needed to hop back on my blog horse. giddy up.

because, truth is, i do love writing. and i do love sharing what is on my mind, even if no one cares what is on my mind. and, at this very confusing time in my life, i need to get some of these thoughts out of my brain and into the stratosphere called Elsewhere-Besides-My-Head.

turns out, reverse culture shock is a real and persnickety thing, and i've self-diagnosed myself as having many full-on, raging symptoms. i did a really stellar job of distracting myself when i came back from spain. between going to weddings, driving to san francisco and back, and couch surfing, i really did not come to terms with my homecoming until august. save the gory details, i'm now finding myself serving as a poster-child for "what happens when you try to reintegrate yourself into your native culture after trying really hard for an entire year to integrate yourself into another culture."

the results? confusion. rootlessness. isolation. uncertainty.

as thankful as i am for my year in spain, i truly feel like it completely messed up my life (both in the best and worst of ways). how do i reintegrate back into my culture/career/relationships as a very different person? how do i function in a culture that tells me i have to have a career, make money, and be successful when i just lived in a culture that told me that LIVING life was of utmost importance?

answers? anyone?

so, right now, i'm taking life day by day. hour by hour. poco a poco.

yes. i'm back. but, then again, i'm really not.

my friend, laura. soon to be your friend, too.

meet my friend, laura. laura is, hands down, one of the most a-mazing people/friends i've ever met. we met in the most random of ways. a high school friend set me up on a blind date with a college guy the summer after my senior year. my english student teacher knew said date. student teacher was friends with laura. i won't bore you with the how and the why, but laura and i became instant friends. she came into my life during a very dark time. she's probably the reason i'm here and happy today.

anyways. i could drone on and on about her, but why am i blogging about her? besides the fact that she's paying me (HA!), she just started a new blog that i have fallen in love with. i want you all, dear readers, to check it out too. she's a motivator. she's an athlete. she's a saint.

read it HERE!

reversed roles

last wednesday i made the trip to my hometown of waverly, ia. when going home, i have two options of routes: the short(er), boring, straight route or the longer, curvy, beautiful route. with nothing on my schedule, i chose the latter route.

i haven't been home in seven months, my longest absence ever. it's always fun to see what's changed in my hometown, in my parents' neighborhood, and in my parents' house. the one thing that's really struck me on this trip is how much my parents have changed over time. my dad is skinnier (much to his weight-obsessed delight) and seemingly shorter. quite simply, he's not getting younger. my mom's had health issues for years, but this trip home has really made me realize her condition. i've seen her have two of her mini seizures in the couple days i've been home. my dad's told me about them-seeing them has made them real.

it's scary when roles start to reverse. when you realize that you're the one that is the healthy one, the one that will soon have to be the caretaker. as my cousin and i were discussing today, it's a role we'll gladly take on, but it's still hard.

as i get ready to go on this trip across the ocean, i can't help but worry about my parents. i also can't help feeling a little guilty for leaving. but i guess now is the time. i'm not getting younger, and they aren't either.

ode to discount stores

dear marshalls and tj maxx,

hi, friends. you know, i need to apologize. in my 27 years of life, i've made some mistakes. i've said some things i didn't mean, i've done some things i shouldn't have done, and i ignored some advice i should have taken. one piece of advice is that you two, you sweet, beautiful two, are worth some attention. i've driven by you my whole life; i dismissed you as just another generic store.

but then i stumbled upon you two this year. i don't even remember our first time together. i wasn't led to you by my own volition; someone made me visit you. and even though it wasn't necessarily love at first site, i formed an appreciation for you that has turned into a passionate, true love. your cheap prices, your designer brands, your discounted stationary-you just know how to make me happy. and when you throw in those surprise items that make me squeal with joy, it makes me think that you somehow read the desires written on my heart.

so, while i haven't always been attentive and loving, you have my attention now, marshie and teej. i promise to never dismiss you again, for this is a love that will never die.

all my love and money,

lyndsay

something's fishy

as you may or may not know, i made a drastic change in August of 2007. i went from eating salami-cheese sandwiches, yogurt, and cheese for lunch each day to a strict vegan diet. legumes and nuts became my new best friends. since then, i've made many alterations to my diet. i am now what i would call a "lazy vegan." it's not even about being lazy; i eat what i want. simple as that. however, there is one thing i haven't budged on: meat. can't do it. won't do it. no desire to do it.

therein lies my latest moral dilemma.

i'm moving to spain. they love ham. they even have a museo del jamon (ham museum). i just can't do ham. i mean, never say never. but never (until further notice).

since the thought of munching on a ham hock makes me nauseous, i've contemplated starting to eat fish again. spain is also lush in seafood, and it would be a lot easier to survive if i was open to eating seafood. i don't know why i'm a little better with the idea of eating fish over eating ham, but i am. but i'm still not ok with it. for moral, environmental, and health reasons, i just don't want to do it; yet, I DO! i want to experience spain's culture. i want to go out to eat and not have to scrounge the menu for SOMETHING (ANYTHING) non-meaty to eat. but it still doesn't make those guilty feelings go away.

*sigh

i just don't know what to do.

until i can come to some conclusion, you'll find me munching on my spinach. crunch.

check check!

spain checklist

passport-check

backpack to pack my stuff for a year-check

apartment-no check. i desperately wish i would have paid more attention in my (many) past spanish classes

haircut-check

resume-no check

title for new blog about spain experience-no check

neck pillow for the plane ride-check

excitement-check

hodgepodge: shocker

i feel like i haven't had a nicely written, cohesive blog in a long time. the thought of sitting down and turning out something well-written seems exhausting to me as of late. i think i've graded so many papers this year that my brain rebels at the mere thought of organized writing.

this blog, unfortunately, won't be any different. maybe i'll feel more inspired and motivated once i get to spain.

so, without further excuses, let the hodgepodge roll call unfold.

-i've felt like a pretty lame friend/daughter these past few months. between forgetting and not listening and being disconnected, i'm starting to see that i've been in a cloud for awhile. i'm hoping i can redeem myself before i physically disconnect from everyone i know.

-been thinking a lot about permanence, or, rather, impermanence lately. people. places. the ones you thought would never leave. the places you thought you'd always know and that would always know you. it's not so easy. and it makes me sad. but i'm starting to be ok with the idea that life is all impermanent. i need to trust it. embrace it. not dwell on it. or them.

-i love living in oak park, but i hate constantly running into students. god love them, but they're everywhere. i ran into a hoard of them when getting off the train today. the other day i had to walk around two of my students making out against a pole. i'm just waiting for them to show up in spain.

-i haven't had a good cry in a really long time. i'm ok with this, but i also worry at my emotion-less state as of late. or maybe i'm just that happy.

-one of my students made me some killer cd mixes. i truly believe mixing a perfect cd is an ART.

and i'm tired.

maybe my next post will be readable and read-worthy.

until then...adios!

by the numbers

300_Number of papers to have graded by next Wednesday.

240_The beads of sweat on my forehead. My apartment is a sauna.

4_Rolls of sushi I ordered tonight

2_Cups of coffee I drank tonight

5_Minutes my classes were shortened today in order to have an emergency pep rally

2_Times a cried at pep rally (coach with cancer=emotional lyndsay)

3_Number of days of work I have left this week

120_Number of students who are going to be pissed when they see their atrocious essays grades tomorrow

2_Times my students and I prayed for the tornado victims

128_Approximate number of times I've smiled today (thanks to co-workers, friends, and students)

dead end

i have hit a wall. bam. hit.

school is almost over, and i feel as though i have no more to give. i'm out of lessons, i'm tired of analyzing text, and i desperately want to stop. it's not that i hate what i'm doing; i actually love it. but i'm just tired.

i have been really self-consumed lately (i admit it!), which only adds to my apathetic attitude towards teaching. my fun weekends and late nights have spilled over into that part of my brain that is supposed to keep me motivated and on track. instead of thinking about my students, i have been thinking about me, my life, and my adventures.

i know this isn't all bad, but i hope i can finish out the year strong. my kids deserve it. i do, too.

inspired

today, i'm inspired.

i'm inspired by my student, S, who, each day before leaving class, thanks me. her manners and her gratitude make my heart glad, and her small act reminds me how far two words can go.

i'm inspired by my friend, libby. libby, my friend who, through the years, has always been there when i needed her, has always told me the truth (even when it hurt), and has always inspired me to be a better teacher. her writing brings me perspective; her wisdom helps me to grow.

i'm inspired by biggest loser. yes, the t.v. show. shhhh. don't tell. i love it. i love hannah and olivia. i love the trainers. i love the empowerment they give me.

i'm inspired by my student, K, who faithfully comes in for extra help. she's humble, she's appreciative, and she's growing. she found me last week, a smile from ear to ear. her ACT essay-she scored a 10. she thanked me. i cried. she did it herself. she did. but for her to say thanks to ME meant the world.

i'm inspired by my dad. his heart is bigger than his shoeing rig, and with each spare minute, he does what he can to help others. today he made the paper for his efforts. his compassion, his humility, and his service make me want to be more. daily.

i'm inspired by my friend, bob. a writer, a father, and now my roommate, he is the most care-free (yet responsible) person i've ever met. his zest for life, his ability to adapt to any situation, and his amazing organizational abilities teach me so much.

i'm inspired by adah, who is the (almost) one year-old daughter of my friends, paul and mariah. she radiates love, she encompasses joy, and she relishes in the simple yet divine. ah, the lessons wee ones can teach.

i'm inspired by the fact that i could go on and on and on.

what inspires YOU?

a decision to live

i was raised to be cautious: be safe. don't risk it. always play it safe. an admirable mindset to instill into a child.

as i've gotten older, i've realized just how debilitating such a life can be. to avoid doing things and spending money and going places because (gasp!) SOMETHING bad COULD happen keeps the body alive, but it kills your soul.

if you know me at all, you know that, if i get an idea in my head, i usually pounce on it (my inner cat, if you will). well, that happened on my birthday last year. i woke up, did a lot of thinking (i'm good at that), and realized how many opportunities i had missed out on in my 27 years of life because of fear: fear that i would fail, fear that i would end up broke and homeless, and fear that stepping out of the box would end in disaster. so i decided to change. and i have.

as you may know, i made a list of 11 adventures/new experiences to accomplish in 2011. i'm about half done after last sunday's skydive. in july i'm headed to rome, croatia, and spain. after that? who knows. but i know i'll be living. or at least i'll die trying.