i'm a bitch

today i got a little distracted from writing about psychological theory in the context of memoirs, so i perused some music on iTunes. i stumbled upon an iTunes essentials "90's One-Hit Wonders" playlist, and there it was in all its glory: bitch by meredith brooks.

i played the 30-second clip, and i was immediately transported back to a record store in tennessee. i had gone to visit my cousins at some point during my jr. high years, my aunt jan acting as a watchful chaperone. when aunt jan wasn't looking, i snatched the cassette single (yes, cassette, and yes, single) from the shelf, purchased it, and toted it around like a concealed weapon. 

when i got back home to iowa, i keep my naughty little cassette hidden on the top shelf of my closet under a box where i also kept pamphlets about "your first period" and "how to deal with depression." i would covertly pop the beauty that was "bitch" into my walkman and walk around the house listening to those naughty little dirges, unbeknownst to my parents. when my parents left the house, i would take my cassette down, put it in my boom box, and blare it so loudly that it shook the rafters. "i'm a BITCH, i'm a lover, i'm a child, i'm a mother, i'm a sinner, i'm a saint, i do not feel ashamed..." but i did feel ashamed. 

i still remember driving with my mom in denver, ia. when that song came on the radio. it was censored, naturally, as was customary in the 90's in rural iowa. "i can't believe any woman would ever sing that way about herself," she said, as my thoughts went to the cassette burning a hole in my closet shelf. but i did understand. i felt guilty for liking a song that my mom portrayed as being so horrible. but i knew deep down that the song wasn't about just being a "bitch." it was about being so many different things "all wrapped into one" and wanting someone, ANYONE, to accept all those things. it was a theme i could relate to (sans the "goddess on my knees" part)  during those awkward, rocky adolescent years.  

i don't know where that cassette is now. perhaps i burned in in fear of the wrath i would suffer if i ever left it laying around the house. but i'm thankful for having that song. it made me feel like someone understood. it made me feel like a rebel. it made me feel like i understood something my mother did not. "and i wouldn't have it any other way..."