yes. i. can. (right?)

remember in my last post when i said that i am pretty amazing at avoiding anything that involves risk and failure? yeah. about that...

so...teaching scares me. freaks me out. that's why i refused to pursue the field for so many years. it is also why i finally decided to pursue it; i realized that the very thing i feared was the very thing i wanted to do more than anything. the latter won out over the fear.

while i'm excited to teach and think about it night and day, i'm still, admittingly, scared of what will happen when i enter my first classroom. i have nightmares a couple times a week about my first day of teaching. i dream that kids beat me up. i dream that kids run away. i dream that i can't find the classroom in which i need to be teaching in and the bell has already rung. i have yet to have a dream where i'm a spitting image of erin gruwell.

i know these dreams and fears are unrealistic, at least in the grandiose way that they are portrayed during my REM cycles. but the nervousness still ebbs and flows in the pit of my stomach.

tonight i gave two presentations in my curriculum design class. i felt good. i felt confident. and it went well. in fact, the professor came up afterwards and sincerely complimented me on what i had delivered. "you're already a great teacher," she said, enthusiastically yet casually. little did she know that i needed to hear those five words more than anything else in the whole world.

i can do it. i will do it. and i'll be good, damnit.

risky business

RISK (noun): exposure to the chance of injury or loss; a hazard or dangerous chance

in the midst of homework, nannying, and generally living, i have been thinking a whole heck of a lot about risk lately. i think it was spurred by something i read about taking risks in the classroom. as a teacher, i will best reach my students if i model responsible risk-taking and create an environment that lets students feel as though they, too, can take risks.

a great idea. but just READ that definition. why would i want to do that? chance injury? loss? hazards, for pete's sakes!

i then started thinking about how just anti-risk taking i am. i've always been this way, and, to be honest, it's no big revelation to realize that i absolutely hate risking anything. in the midst of these thoughts about my riskphobia, my friend sent me this quote: "I always imagine the worst possible thing that can happen, she told me. It gives me a great excuse to stay home & have tea."-Brian Andreas (Storypeople Creator)

while knowing i, to a fault, live in a safe, little bubble, i've really started thinking about all that i have missed out on because i don't want to mess up, fail, or generally feel uncomfortable. i could go on and on about how debilitating a fear-of-failure/loss/injury is. but i won't. i guess the important thing is that i start, one safe baby-step at a time, trying to take chances. i have to believe that, even if i lose, i'll in some way win.