just driving away

there's something beautiful and symbolic about just driving away. the tail-end of last week completely won over this girl. nothing bad happened. or, more significantly, nothing really great happened. in the midst of uncertainty, confusion, etc. (see last blog for the prognosis), little did i know that i just needed to drive away.

a baptism for sweet baby j took me to madison saturday. as much as i wanted to be there, i was in one of my funks and would have rather crawled under my covers for all of eternity (this is an example of what writers call hyperbole!). but, i went. and i'm so glad i did.

the drive alone was therapeutic. music. homemade iced coffee. a-mazing fall leaf displays. bliss.

and then. to be with so many dear friends was so, so soothing for my soul. hugs, an outdoor baptism, live music, sangria...wow. no doctor could have written a better prescription.

i returned home today feeling completely refreshed. i returned feeling hopeful. most importantly, i returned believing in myself more than when i left.

note to self: when in doubt, just drive away. preferably to the arms of dear friends.

coming up...again

i'm baaaaaaack! back to the USA after a year in Spain. back to blogging. yes, it seems i'm back. (what a weird word, "back." looks like the name of a disease if you stare at it long enough).

i've been wanting to start up my blog again for awhile. but, truth be told, things have been kinda craptastic lately, and in the midst of wallowing in my deep pity pool, complete with arm floaties, i just didn't feel like putting thoughts to paper, er, screen.

but then i got an e-mail.

an e-mail from a dear old friend who shared with me a journal entry he had written years ago (pre-"coming up" blog...we're talking my LiveJournal years!) about how something i had written inspired him. *blush. that was all i needed to hop back on my blog horse. giddy up.

because, truth is, i do love writing. and i do love sharing what is on my mind, even if no one cares what is on my mind. and, at this very confusing time in my life, i need to get some of these thoughts out of my brain and into the stratosphere called Elsewhere-Besides-My-Head.

turns out, reverse culture shock is a real and persnickety thing, and i've self-diagnosed myself as having many full-on, raging symptoms. i did a really stellar job of distracting myself when i came back from spain. between going to weddings, driving to san francisco and back, and couch surfing, i really did not come to terms with my homecoming until august. save the gory details, i'm now finding myself serving as a poster-child for "what happens when you try to reintegrate yourself into your native culture after trying really hard for an entire year to integrate yourself into another culture."

the results? confusion. rootlessness. isolation. uncertainty.

as thankful as i am for my year in spain, i truly feel like it completely messed up my life (both in the best and worst of ways). how do i reintegrate back into my culture/career/relationships as a very different person? how do i function in a culture that tells me i have to have a career, make money, and be successful when i just lived in a culture that told me that LIVING life was of utmost importance?

answers? anyone?

so, right now, i'm taking life day by day. hour by hour. poco a poco.

yes. i'm back. but, then again, i'm really not.