i'll take ya to the candy shop

if a running brain could cause weight loss, i'd be a skinny as an olsen twin. i am, by nature, an annoyingly contemplative person, but this fall/winter has been especially contemplative. i feel as though i have lists of questions streaming through my brain, and i have another stream of possible answers, but i can't for the life of me match the answers to the questions. throw a birthday, the holidays, and the death of a friend in the mix, and the questions and contemplation multiply.

i struggle a lot with the pressure i put on myself to live a full life. my recent analogy is feeling like i'm in a candy store, and i look around and see hundreds of great options (for me, these are in the form of places to live and places to travel). i'm so overwhelmed by the options that i just freeze and fear that i'll end up walking out of the store having bought nothing (i.e. ending up being 90 and having done nothing in fear of doing the wrong something).

it's a struggle for me to understand what's most important in life: planting roots and fostering face-to-face relationships with people who know and love you or traveling and experiencing the world. while i've proven to myself that face-to-face relationships can be made and fostered across the world, there is something to be said for fostering the relationships that have formed you (i.e. family, long-time friends, etc). and i struggle to find a happy medium.

there are so many things i don't know, and i feel as though i can't even articulate how i feel right now. but what i do know is that we get one life. one. and i know i won't be young forever. and i also know that i'll hate myself if i wake up at 95 having regrets. i have a feeling that a 95 year-old version of myself should not be trifled with.

so my brain continues to run. mile after mile after bloody mile. but i take solace knowing that i will figure it out. i will. i must.