my friend, laura. soon to be your friend, too.

meet my friend, laura. laura is, hands down, one of the most a-mazing people/friends i've ever met. we met in the most random of ways. a high school friend set me up on a blind date with a college guy the summer after my senior year. my english student teacher knew said date. student teacher was friends with laura. i won't bore you with the how and the why, but laura and i became instant friends. she came into my life during a very dark time. she's probably the reason i'm here and happy today.

anyways. i could drone on and on about her, but why am i blogging about her? besides the fact that she's paying me (HA!), she just started a new blog that i have fallen in love with. i want you all, dear readers, to check it out too. she's a motivator. she's an athlete. she's a saint.

read it HERE!

reversed roles

last wednesday i made the trip to my hometown of waverly, ia. when going home, i have two options of routes: the short(er), boring, straight route or the longer, curvy, beautiful route. with nothing on my schedule, i chose the latter route.

i haven't been home in seven months, my longest absence ever. it's always fun to see what's changed in my hometown, in my parents' neighborhood, and in my parents' house. the one thing that's really struck me on this trip is how much my parents have changed over time. my dad is skinnier (much to his weight-obsessed delight) and seemingly shorter. quite simply, he's not getting younger. my mom's had health issues for years, but this trip home has really made me realize her condition. i've seen her have two of her mini seizures in the couple days i've been home. my dad's told me about them-seeing them has made them real.

it's scary when roles start to reverse. when you realize that you're the one that is the healthy one, the one that will soon have to be the caretaker. as my cousin and i were discussing today, it's a role we'll gladly take on, but it's still hard.

as i get ready to go on this trip across the ocean, i can't help but worry about my parents. i also can't help feeling a little guilty for leaving. but i guess now is the time. i'm not getting younger, and they aren't either.

ode to discount stores

dear marshalls and tj maxx,

hi, friends. you know, i need to apologize. in my 27 years of life, i've made some mistakes. i've said some things i didn't mean, i've done some things i shouldn't have done, and i ignored some advice i should have taken. one piece of advice is that you two, you sweet, beautiful two, are worth some attention. i've driven by you my whole life; i dismissed you as just another generic store.

but then i stumbled upon you two this year. i don't even remember our first time together. i wasn't led to you by my own volition; someone made me visit you. and even though it wasn't necessarily love at first site, i formed an appreciation for you that has turned into a passionate, true love. your cheap prices, your designer brands, your discounted stationary-you just know how to make me happy. and when you throw in those surprise items that make me squeal with joy, it makes me think that you somehow read the desires written on my heart.

so, while i haven't always been attentive and loving, you have my attention now, marshie and teej. i promise to never dismiss you again, for this is a love that will never die.

all my love and money,

lyndsay

something's fishy

as you may or may not know, i made a drastic change in August of 2007. i went from eating salami-cheese sandwiches, yogurt, and cheese for lunch each day to a strict vegan diet. legumes and nuts became my new best friends. since then, i've made many alterations to my diet. i am now what i would call a "lazy vegan." it's not even about being lazy; i eat what i want. simple as that. however, there is one thing i haven't budged on: meat. can't do it. won't do it. no desire to do it.

therein lies my latest moral dilemma.

i'm moving to spain. they love ham. they even have a museo del jamon (ham museum). i just can't do ham. i mean, never say never. but never (until further notice).

since the thought of munching on a ham hock makes me nauseous, i've contemplated starting to eat fish again. spain is also lush in seafood, and it would be a lot easier to survive if i was open to eating seafood. i don't know why i'm a little better with the idea of eating fish over eating ham, but i am. but i'm still not ok with it. for moral, environmental, and health reasons, i just don't want to do it; yet, I DO! i want to experience spain's culture. i want to go out to eat and not have to scrounge the menu for SOMETHING (ANYTHING) non-meaty to eat. but it still doesn't make those guilty feelings go away.

*sigh

i just don't know what to do.

until i can come to some conclusion, you'll find me munching on my spinach. crunch.

check check!

spain checklist

passport-check

backpack to pack my stuff for a year-check

apartment-no check. i desperately wish i would have paid more attention in my (many) past spanish classes

haircut-check

resume-no check

title for new blog about spain experience-no check

neck pillow for the plane ride-check

excitement-check

hodgepodge: shocker

i feel like i haven't had a nicely written, cohesive blog in a long time. the thought of sitting down and turning out something well-written seems exhausting to me as of late. i think i've graded so many papers this year that my brain rebels at the mere thought of organized writing.

this blog, unfortunately, won't be any different. maybe i'll feel more inspired and motivated once i get to spain.

so, without further excuses, let the hodgepodge roll call unfold.

-i've felt like a pretty lame friend/daughter these past few months. between forgetting and not listening and being disconnected, i'm starting to see that i've been in a cloud for awhile. i'm hoping i can redeem myself before i physically disconnect from everyone i know.

-been thinking a lot about permanence, or, rather, impermanence lately. people. places. the ones you thought would never leave. the places you thought you'd always know and that would always know you. it's not so easy. and it makes me sad. but i'm starting to be ok with the idea that life is all impermanent. i need to trust it. embrace it. not dwell on it. or them.

-i love living in oak park, but i hate constantly running into students. god love them, but they're everywhere. i ran into a hoard of them when getting off the train today. the other day i had to walk around two of my students making out against a pole. i'm just waiting for them to show up in spain.

-i haven't had a good cry in a really long time. i'm ok with this, but i also worry at my emotion-less state as of late. or maybe i'm just that happy.

-one of my students made me some killer cd mixes. i truly believe mixing a perfect cd is an ART.

and i'm tired.

maybe my next post will be readable and read-worthy.

until then...adios!

by the numbers

300_Number of papers to have graded by next Wednesday.

240_The beads of sweat on my forehead. My apartment is a sauna.

4_Rolls of sushi I ordered tonight

2_Cups of coffee I drank tonight

5_Minutes my classes were shortened today in order to have an emergency pep rally

2_Times a cried at pep rally (coach with cancer=emotional lyndsay)

3_Number of days of work I have left this week

120_Number of students who are going to be pissed when they see their atrocious essays grades tomorrow

2_Times my students and I prayed for the tornado victims

128_Approximate number of times I've smiled today (thanks to co-workers, friends, and students)

dead end

i have hit a wall. bam. hit.

school is almost over, and i feel as though i have no more to give. i'm out of lessons, i'm tired of analyzing text, and i desperately want to stop. it's not that i hate what i'm doing; i actually love it. but i'm just tired.

i have been really self-consumed lately (i admit it!), which only adds to my apathetic attitude towards teaching. my fun weekends and late nights have spilled over into that part of my brain that is supposed to keep me motivated and on track. instead of thinking about my students, i have been thinking about me, my life, and my adventures.

i know this isn't all bad, but i hope i can finish out the year strong. my kids deserve it. i do, too.

inspired

today, i'm inspired.

i'm inspired by my student, S, who, each day before leaving class, thanks me. her manners and her gratitude make my heart glad, and her small act reminds me how far two words can go.

i'm inspired by my friend, libby. libby, my friend who, through the years, has always been there when i needed her, has always told me the truth (even when it hurt), and has always inspired me to be a better teacher. her writing brings me perspective; her wisdom helps me to grow.

i'm inspired by biggest loser. yes, the t.v. show. shhhh. don't tell. i love it. i love hannah and olivia. i love the trainers. i love the empowerment they give me.

i'm inspired by my student, K, who faithfully comes in for extra help. she's humble, she's appreciative, and she's growing. she found me last week, a smile from ear to ear. her ACT essay-she scored a 10. she thanked me. i cried. she did it herself. she did. but for her to say thanks to ME meant the world.

i'm inspired by my dad. his heart is bigger than his shoeing rig, and with each spare minute, he does what he can to help others. today he made the paper for his efforts. his compassion, his humility, and his service make me want to be more. daily.

i'm inspired by my friend, bob. a writer, a father, and now my roommate, he is the most care-free (yet responsible) person i've ever met. his zest for life, his ability to adapt to any situation, and his amazing organizational abilities teach me so much.

i'm inspired by adah, who is the (almost) one year-old daughter of my friends, paul and mariah. she radiates love, she encompasses joy, and she relishes in the simple yet divine. ah, the lessons wee ones can teach.

i'm inspired by the fact that i could go on and on and on.

what inspires YOU?

a decision to live

i was raised to be cautious: be safe. don't risk it. always play it safe. an admirable mindset to instill into a child.

as i've gotten older, i've realized just how debilitating such a life can be. to avoid doing things and spending money and going places because (gasp!) SOMETHING bad COULD happen keeps the body alive, but it kills your soul.

if you know me at all, you know that, if i get an idea in my head, i usually pounce on it (my inner cat, if you will). well, that happened on my birthday last year. i woke up, did a lot of thinking (i'm good at that), and realized how many opportunities i had missed out on in my 27 years of life because of fear: fear that i would fail, fear that i would end up broke and homeless, and fear that stepping out of the box would end in disaster. so i decided to change. and i have.

as you may know, i made a list of 11 adventures/new experiences to accomplish in 2011. i'm about half done after last sunday's skydive. in july i'm headed to rome, croatia, and spain. after that? who knows. but i know i'll be living. or at least i'll die trying.

sick lovin' lamentin'

i'm sick of huck finn research papers (only seven more!) feeling lonely whiny kids i'm in love with my plans my new, cheapy pair of leggings pandora, etsy, and all my cyber hotspots i'm lamenting not saying more saying too much safe facades

mash-up

lots of random thoughts tonight. in no particular order...

-phone calls with old friends are spiritual experiences.

-it always surprises me just how much the weather affects my mood. warm=happy.

-i am a huge believer in karma. it slaps me in the face daily.

-i'm relishing in the fact that i've almost survived my first year of teaching. success!

-the best compliment i received today was someone writing on my fbook wall, "way to live!" living, truly living, life was this year's goal. i feel like i'm surpassing what i thought possible, and that makes me smile.

-i called my aunt tonight. just because. and it was great.

-thinking of my grandma still makes me cry.

-i feel like EVERYONE is falling in love/getting engaged/having babies. evidently there was a love train, and i missed it. i hope i can catch the next one.

-one of the best feelings in the world is seeing your good friend(s) in happy, healthy relationships. nothing's better.

-it both scares me and excites me how closely literature can describe my life. i read a book last night that was so similar to my thoughts and feelings that i felt as though the author had tapped into my brain. for real. that's holy, baby.

-i'm going to start derby again this week. i'm really scared, for some reason.

-my stomach is freaking out tonight. nerves or refried beans? hum...

-i found a great orchestral version to death cab's "such great heights" tonight. thanks, pandora!

-sending you love, dear reader. whoever you are.

stashing away memories

i'm a saver. not a hoarder, per se. but a saver. as in i save personal items. notes passed to me in junior high? i have them all. doodle laced notes from high school boyfriends? got 'em. movie stubs? concert tickets? prom corsages? i have them all. throwing such items aways feels wrong, as if i'm throwing away memories. so i store them away in shoe boxes, hat boxes, and drawers, just in case. just in case...

i recently read this article from slate. it made me think a lot about the day when i'll have to clear out my many boxes of junk, er, artifacts from my parent's home. i'd like to think i could keep all those tangible memories, but, realistically, there will come a time when i'll have to throw some of it away. but you know, maybe that's ok. maybe i don't need to remember everything. maybe i need to have faith in my brain, understanding that i'll remember what i do, and what i forget is meant to be.


but right now, as a large box sits under my bed that is full of everything from dive bar coasters to wristbands from sweaty summer festivals, i'm not ready to part with these things. and, to be honest, i'm going to keep saving until i have someone or some situation tell me i can't.

coconuts for president!

have you ever experienced the power of coconuts? no. i'm serious. they've saved my life.

a friend recently introduced me to the power and magic of raw coconut oil. a little goes a long way, but this stuff will make your skin glow like it hasn't glowed since the day you were born (ok. i've been studying too many poems with hyperbole...clearly). anyways. you can buy it online (obviously), or you can buy it at your local health foods store. put some on your face at night, and wake up to a lovely looking you! (i have clearly missed my calling as a saleswoman...).

the best part (besides the fact that it's all natural)? it's edible. so, if you find yourself getting hungry while slathering up your face, just take a bite (keep in mind it's pure oil though. i wouldn't recommend actually eating it. but you can cook with it!).

so go! support your local coconut grower. and by local, i mean not.

in praise of mysteries

sunday nights. i hate them. the day before the doom.

but not tonight. tonight i'm consumed with myself. and i don't feel bad about saying so.

my mind feels full to the brim. deciphering cryptic messages. making future plans that are too big to speak, because if i speak them, they might come true. making meaning of what she doesn't say. weighing my love for this place with a need to put on new glasses.

yes, tonight i'm making plans. well. that is. as many plans as one can make in one's mind.

shift

right now i'm teaching poetry. my house is littered with anthologies that have been loved by me and the people i bought them from. Billy Collins' 180 Poems. Garrison Keillor's Good Poems. they are nearer than friends some nights. especially on nights like this, when my brain is full and my heart feels abandoned. the poems pay the heart attention it needs. stanza. by. stanza.

Edward Hirsch writes:

I shall begin scouring the sky for signs
as if my whole future were constellated upon it.

I will walk home alone with the deep alone,
a disciple of shadows, in praise of mysteries.

***********************

I'm walking. My head is up. My eyes are open. And, little by little, I'm starting to like the mysteries.

life lessons from a 14 year-old little lady

i had my kids do the following journal entry: i am young. i am _____ years old. and this is what i know about life."

one of my faves wrote, "I know music can never hurt me."

how lovely teenage perspective is.

a random smattering of thoughts

i've been wanting to blog for weeks. alas, i'm just now allowing some time to do so. i order to write about everything i want to, i'll do a quick and dirty version of my thoughts.

-did you hear about this story? an english teacher got in big trouble for complaining about her students on her blog. on one hand, i TOTALLY feel her pain. she said what we all think. on the other hand, her action was not professional. however, if she's going to get into trouble, i feel like students should get the same heat for blasting their teachers online (shout-out to the student who gave me a sassy "fuck you" on her tweet).

-i spent the weekend in madison for a retreat. i found myself at the capitol on saturday protesting with over 60,000 people against the proposed bill that would end unions and collective bargaining rights for civil servants. it was empowering. it was scary. it was inspiring. it was heartbreaking (especially to see kids holding signs in support of the bill. after approaching three kids, my friend mariah learned that they were adamantly against the bill because they were homeschooled. our hearts sunk a little to see how apathetic these kids were to what may happen to other kids in their state as a result of the proposed changes).

-relationships. whether platonic or romantic, they're complex, emotional, and ever-changing. the challenge, for me, has been accepting changing relationships and being open to new relationships. easier said than done.

-i bought NOW 37. it's amazing, in a horrible, pop culture kind of way.

-my goal for this week is to not eat french fries at lunch. this will be hard, as i love french fries and their sensual saltiness.

-quote of the day, as overheard at the gym by a mid-2o-something man: "yo, my mama say she would buy me a shaker weight. i'm like, mom! where's my shaker weight?!"

-this blog post has quickly digressed.

-i completely forgot how old i was yesterday. i was talking to amy, and i, for the life of me, couldn't remember. i thought i was 28. imagine my pleasant surprise when i learned that i was only 27!

-i have 300 written test responses i should be grading right now. *whimper

-ok. really. i have to do them. now.

career vs. job

sunday nights. i hate them. i always go through mourning for the weekend lost and dread for the monday that awaits. great attitude. i know.

tonight and all weekend i've been thinking a lot about jobs vs. careers. it's all i've talked about with friends (thanks becca and amy a.). it's what's on my heart.

i want the feeling of a career. the feeling of a calling in life, the feeling of giving something meaningful to the world, and the feeling of dedicating my life to a cause.

but damn, i miss having a job. 8-5. only working five days a week. vacation days. but i don't miss the empty feeling i had inside when i had a job.

i have to believe that there is a "position" out there that combines the fulfillment of a career with the lifestyle of a job. right? do these exist? they must. because right now i'm tired of this career. i'm tired of grading. i'm tired of planning. i'm tired of kids tweeting "fuck you" to me because i assigned them homework. i'm tired, quite literally.

i need to find that balance. because right now i feel like i'm on a see saw with me on one end, and a one-ton boulder weighing me down so that all i can do is wave my legs in the air and yell until someone comes and moves the rock. truth be told, i've got to move it myself to get the balance back. or i need to jump off.

the power of vulnerability

vulnerability.

makes you feel so...so...vulnerable.


my friend stacy sent me this 20-min. talk by brene brown that talks about the power of vulnerability. novel idea, this concept of vulnerability being a good thing.


take note, ya'll.

"give me one reason to stay here, and i'll turn right back around"

the longer i stay,

the harder it is to leave.

i want someone to give me a reason to stay,

but then i guess that's no reason to stay at all.

but i like these four walls

and i know these streets.

and while it's lonely and loud,

i've made it mine.

i want someone to give me a reason to stay,

but then i guess that's no reason to stay at all.

the grass seems greener over there

because when i look down here, i just see cement and tears.

but maybe i'm just running.

i'm good at that.

i want someone to give me a reason to stay,

but then i guess that's no reason to stay at all.

honk honk honk honk honk-honk honk

after a weekend visit from my parents, who live in iowa, i have had cultural differences on the brain. laying next to my pantless friend this morning (the radiator in my apartment is scathing hot, so angela had to resort to stripping in order to sleep), i heard a car honk outside. since i moved to a place far away from the street, being awoken by honks has been a rare event. one thought led to another, and i started to think about car horns (they seem so...random) and how a car honk in chicago is gravely different from a car honk in waverly, iowa.

a car honk in chicago is used in the following manners:

succession of honks: the ever-present car alarm. either there is an epidemic of sensitive car alarms in chicago, or many a car is being broken into.

short honks: the light is green. GO. OR...i'm driving through an alley, and i'm warning anyone who may be approaching the sidewalk that parallels the alley's exit.

long honk: what the hell are you doing? GOOOOOOOO!

laying on horn: i am frustrated that i'm not in control of the traffic, so i'm going to lay on my horn as if the sound vibrations can magically move the cars in front of me.

however, car honks back home have a different language. in the rare even that the horn is used, it means:

one honk: i'm here! come out of the house!

double honk: bye! hi!

and that concludes horn usage in waverly.

funny thing, that horn.

honk.

teaching by the numbers

2 JUGs (Justice Under GOD, aka detention) given this week

20 classes I've taught this week as of tomorrow at 12:50

1 kid I saw (a senior, mind you) pick his nose hardcore during study hall

5 times I had to tell my "special" student to pay attention in class today

328 number of questions given to my students for their finals

60 essays to grade

5 mini candy bars eaten today

8 hours spent working on the yearbook this week

20 times I've prayed this week (see correlation to #2)

new year: new beginning

"go confidently in the direction of your dreams. live the life you have imagined."

-henry david thoreau

hello, blog. remember me? i was a little hesitant to blog again, but i've desperately been wanting to write, and i realized my reasons for putting off this blog post was silly. so here i am, in the kansas city airport, thinking of a new year ahead. psychologically, i think new year's is a rocking holiday. it's hard for me to arbitrarily rationalize new beginnings, so that's why this holiday is perfect-o.

in the past month, i've done a lot of thinking, reflecting, and soul searching. my zen trance started when i had to teach my kids romantic and transcendental texts. i love the fact that, 150 years later, a little anti-social man by the name of thoreau can completely tug at my heart and stretch my brain.

the past year has been hard: emotionally, mentally, etc. i'm not the best handler of change, and this year was defined by change. but i feel like i'm getting my bearings, finally. or, at least i'm trying to. while there are still a lot of uncertainties, i'm taking intentional steps in my life to be at peace, of which i am proud. i'm understanding more and more that my happiness is my responsibility, and i'm intending to make decisions in my life that lend themselves to happiness. while i know this is easier said than done, i'm going to do my best. life is too short not to.

so, while i don't know where 2011 will take me, who it will take from my life, and who it will add to my life, i'm ready. i'm ready to embrace 2011. watch me.