run

lots of downtime=and insane amount of self-reflection. 

i've reflected so much that i put most mirrors to shame. i'm still left with so many questions though. 

a trip to the therapist today only created more questions, but in a good way. she knows me well enough to know that when i find the answer, i'll run with it. 

i'm ready to run. 

my life as an amateur yogi

last saturday, my friend M and i went to a yoga studio in oak park to take advantage of their "one week free" promotion. i like free things, so i was all game. this studio only does "hot" yoga. classes range anywhere from 90-105 degrees. it's...hot. well, i loved the class so much, that i've gone for the past three days by my own volition. i love it. not only do i leave feeling calm, but i'm so damn sweaty that i feel like i really accomplished something (which is saying a lot these days). let me share with you some observations/experiences as an amateur yogi:

-it turns out that yogis don't wear running shorts, running shirts (i sported my Shamrock Shuffle 5K! shirt), or cotton shirts that show sweat. having worn all of these items over the past three days, i'm slowly learning how to fit in as a yogi.

-another thing yogis don't do? bring beach towels to lay down on top of mats. i wanted to bring SOMETHING to put down over my mat, as i had just given it a good washing after power washing it with my sweat the past few days. however, my brightly colored beach towel, complete with palm trees and beach umbrellas, didn't really fit in. additionally, it honestly distracted me. i couldn't balance all night.

-however. the not-being-able-to-balance well thing may have been a result of the fact that tonight's class was conducted by candlelight. good lord. i thought it'd be all spiritual and meditative. instead i found i couldn't focus my eyes and did all i could just to stand up straight. light rocks.

-i have determined my DREAM JOB is to make yoga session playlists. each class i've gone to has had a stellar line-up. many of the songs were some of my favs, which kinda tells me i seek out calm, meditative tunes. i also find it kind of distracting when songs like the lumineers' "ho hey" come on. it's hard to tap your toes in tree pose.

-tonight, the instructor said, "next, we will do sha na ho ne ka hashim (ok. i made that up. something yogi-ish). sit-ups." being told to do sit-ups in another language makes them sound so much more exciting and much less painful.

-many yogis have often wondered, "i wonder what the WORST meal you could eat before doing yoga is." well, look no further. about an hour and a half before i went to yoga tonight, i had homemade pizza, salad, beer, and trader joe jo-jo cookies. turns out, sweating and contorting is not fun when you have blue moon and frosting rolling around in your belly.

-some yogis like to breathe REALLY loudly. tonight i was by a man who had all sorts of grunts, yawns, and even a few farts. i felt as though i was listening to someone having sex or sleeping.

while i'm a long ways from complete zen, i'm enjoying all these new lessons. i'm working really hard to be more curious in my life, and this has been a great first step.

namaste, ya'll.

outsider's heart

"I think, at the end of the day, I have an outsider's heart. You always hope that you're going to find that place where you belong — you know, you follow the map or the playbook that everyone in the world seems to have, or understand, and you will arrive at the place where things make sense. And I think ... that's a little naive, and that you have to build that place yourself. And that's a lonely thing to realize, but also an exciting one."-Tift Merritt

amen, sister. 

listen to the whole interview HERE.

bringing me back to myself

sometimes it's friends that bring us back to ourselves. here's just a few of the ways i've been humbled by friends this past week:

lunch with Mr. M

last weekend i had lunch in oak park with mr. m. he and i go back to my days at the bowling magazine when i first moved to chicago. while mr. m and i don't talk a lot, he's one of those people who, when we do talk, always brightens my day.

so after many attempts of getting together since i got back to the states, we finally made it happen, his beautiful daughter in tow. as i've ho-hummingly shared in my previous posts, i've been in a serious funk lately, so i came to lunch with mr. m anxious about any conversations surrounding jobs. i just didn't want to talk about it, and i didn't want to seem like a pathetic wet rag to my upbeat friend.

as we were talking, he shared some of the hard stuff he's been going through lately. he then said, "you're one of the most positive, optimistic people i've ever met. i knew seeing you would be good for me right now." whoa. WHAT? in my current state, i felt like the LEAST optimistic or positive person EVER. i didn't even feel like being around myself at the moment, so him saying this meant the world. it's amazing what one person sharing his/her perceptions of us can do to a soul. for me, it gave me hope and made my heart happier than it had been in days.

regurgitated advice of MJ

MJ is a friend i met in spain. she now lives in texas, and we have been each others' rocks through this hard transitionary time. we've been leading oddly parallel lives since we got home. i have no doubt that i couldn't have made it this far without her.

however, MJ is a tricky biscuit. she has this amazing ability to remember every piece of advice i've ever given to her and spit it right back at me right when i need it most. i find this both endearing and annoying. just when i'm starting to enjoy wallowing in my own self pity, she'll say, "well, legel, didn't you tell me once that?" yep. yep i did, MJ. she's really, REALLY taught me that if i'm going to give advice, i need to take the advice i give. noted. 

a talk with my heart-warmer, E

E is a friend from my camp counselor days. like Mr. M, we don't talk all that frequently, but she's one of those people who i know i could call at any time and tell her anything in the whole world, and she'd have my back and then some. well, E and i finally talked tonight for the first time since i don't know when. what i love about E is that she always, no matter what, calms my heart-through her words, through her sharing, and through the mere tone of her voice. she somehow seems to bring me back to myself, and i couldn't be more thankful.

this past week i just had to get away, so i went to madison to spend time with some dear friends. last night P and his band played some songs in the living room, one of which was the song sang at little miss J's baptism. the song has many notable lyrics, none of which i really remember verbatim, but the song speaks to the fact nothing else really matters in life but our friends in family. today i'm thankful as ever for friends who remind me who i am when i can't quite remember. what-oh-what would i do without such dear people in my life? 

blips

contemplating where-
to live
to work
to focus

pondering what-
to do
pondering how-
to do it

wishing i could-
pick myself up
start
stop

superficial rhythm

in the throngs of deep thought and slippery solitude, i distracted myself for a bit and read through some blogs that i more or less follow religiously. one blog, my dear friend's sister, shared the following quote.  *herein the author (me) totally acknowledges stealing this quote.

it's long. but do yourself a favor and read it until the end:

"The secret of a full life is to live and relate to others as if they might not be there tomorrow, as if you might not be there tomorrow. It eliminates the vice of procrastination, the sin of postponement, failed communications, failed communions. This thought has made me more and more attentive to all encounters, meetings, introductions, which might contain the seed of depth that might be carelessly overlooked. This feeling has become a rarity, and rarer every day now that we have reached a hastier and more superficial rhythm, now that we believe we are in touch with a greater amount of people, more people, more countries. This is the illusion which might cheat us of being in touch deeply with the one breathing next to us. The dangerous time when mechanical voices, radios, telephones, take the place of human intimacies, and the concept of being in touch with millions brings a greater and greater poverty in intimacy and human vision."

― Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Vol. 4: 1944-1947

first of all, how interesting and, in my opinion, ironic, that this was written in the 40s. that's PRE-internet, PRE-facebooktwittersocialmediacraziness, PRE-iPhone 5.2.2.8. if our intimacy with others was at risk then, i feel like we're complete goners now.

i think this quote resonated with me tonight because it describes what i possibly miss most about spain: a full life where i, on a daily basis, was interacting face to face with humans that i cared about. spainards (and many european cultures for that matter) value relationships with others above everything else (yep. even work. SHOCKING). while in spain, it was customary for me to meet up with friends at 10 PM for a quick drink and an appetizer, just to catch up. many nights i found myself catching the midnight metro home knowing full well that i had to wake up and work in the morning. but you know what? it didn't matter. it didn't matter because work, while important, was secondary to relationships. and it was easy to do there because almost EVERYONE held this same opinion.

here, in the land of red, white, and blue, it's quite different. i feel like friendships are saved for saturdays. mid-week interactions don't go further than my facebook wall. and i find it atrociously isolating and stupid. i've been the scrooge of all things american lately (nothing against my lovely country, i am just finding it hard to adapt back to our crazy culture like WHOA). but damnit all to heck, why can't we be more attentive to each other? why do we run ourselves ragged so that the thought of doing more than shooting a text is daunting and exhausting?

i wonder what ms. nin would think if she were among us today. something tells me she'd take one look at our smart phones and earbuds and our "superficial rhythms" and shake her head. and i can't say i would blame her.