career vs. job

sunday nights. i hate them. i always go through mourning for the weekend lost and dread for the monday that awaits. great attitude. i know.

tonight and all weekend i've been thinking a lot about jobs vs. careers. it's all i've talked about with friends (thanks becca and amy a.). it's what's on my heart.

i want the feeling of a career. the feeling of a calling in life, the feeling of giving something meaningful to the world, and the feeling of dedicating my life to a cause.

but damn, i miss having a job. 8-5. only working five days a week. vacation days. but i don't miss the empty feeling i had inside when i had a job.

i have to believe that there is a "position" out there that combines the fulfillment of a career with the lifestyle of a job. right? do these exist? they must. because right now i'm tired of this career. i'm tired of grading. i'm tired of planning. i'm tired of kids tweeting "fuck you" to me because i assigned them homework. i'm tired, quite literally.

i need to find that balance. because right now i feel like i'm on a see saw with me on one end, and a one-ton boulder weighing me down so that all i can do is wave my legs in the air and yell until someone comes and moves the rock. truth be told, i've got to move it myself to get the balance back. or i need to jump off.

the power of vulnerability

vulnerability.

makes you feel so...so...vulnerable.


my friend stacy sent me this 20-min. talk by brene brown that talks about the power of vulnerability. novel idea, this concept of vulnerability being a good thing.


take note, ya'll.

"give me one reason to stay here, and i'll turn right back around"

the longer i stay,

the harder it is to leave.

i want someone to give me a reason to stay,

but then i guess that's no reason to stay at all.

but i like these four walls

and i know these streets.

and while it's lonely and loud,

i've made it mine.

i want someone to give me a reason to stay,

but then i guess that's no reason to stay at all.

the grass seems greener over there

because when i look down here, i just see cement and tears.

but maybe i'm just running.

i'm good at that.

i want someone to give me a reason to stay,

but then i guess that's no reason to stay at all.

honk honk honk honk honk-honk honk

after a weekend visit from my parents, who live in iowa, i have had cultural differences on the brain. laying next to my pantless friend this morning (the radiator in my apartment is scathing hot, so angela had to resort to stripping in order to sleep), i heard a car honk outside. since i moved to a place far away from the street, being awoken by honks has been a rare event. one thought led to another, and i started to think about car horns (they seem so...random) and how a car honk in chicago is gravely different from a car honk in waverly, iowa.

a car honk in chicago is used in the following manners:

succession of honks: the ever-present car alarm. either there is an epidemic of sensitive car alarms in chicago, or many a car is being broken into.

short honks: the light is green. GO. OR...i'm driving through an alley, and i'm warning anyone who may be approaching the sidewalk that parallels the alley's exit.

long honk: what the hell are you doing? GOOOOOOOO!

laying on horn: i am frustrated that i'm not in control of the traffic, so i'm going to lay on my horn as if the sound vibrations can magically move the cars in front of me.

however, car honks back home have a different language. in the rare even that the horn is used, it means:

one honk: i'm here! come out of the house!

double honk: bye! hi!

and that concludes horn usage in waverly.

funny thing, that horn.

honk.

teaching by the numbers

2 JUGs (Justice Under GOD, aka detention) given this week

20 classes I've taught this week as of tomorrow at 12:50

1 kid I saw (a senior, mind you) pick his nose hardcore during study hall

5 times I had to tell my "special" student to pay attention in class today

328 number of questions given to my students for their finals

60 essays to grade

5 mini candy bars eaten today

8 hours spent working on the yearbook this week

20 times I've prayed this week (see correlation to #2)

new year: new beginning

"go confidently in the direction of your dreams. live the life you have imagined."

-henry david thoreau

hello, blog. remember me? i was a little hesitant to blog again, but i've desperately been wanting to write, and i realized my reasons for putting off this blog post was silly. so here i am, in the kansas city airport, thinking of a new year ahead. psychologically, i think new year's is a rocking holiday. it's hard for me to arbitrarily rationalize new beginnings, so that's why this holiday is perfect-o.

in the past month, i've done a lot of thinking, reflecting, and soul searching. my zen trance started when i had to teach my kids romantic and transcendental texts. i love the fact that, 150 years later, a little anti-social man by the name of thoreau can completely tug at my heart and stretch my brain.

the past year has been hard: emotionally, mentally, etc. i'm not the best handler of change, and this year was defined by change. but i feel like i'm getting my bearings, finally. or, at least i'm trying to. while there are still a lot of uncertainties, i'm taking intentional steps in my life to be at peace, of which i am proud. i'm understanding more and more that my happiness is my responsibility, and i'm intending to make decisions in my life that lend themselves to happiness. while i know this is easier said than done, i'm going to do my best. life is too short not to.

so, while i don't know where 2011 will take me, who it will take from my life, and who it will add to my life, i'm ready. i'm ready to embrace 2011. watch me.